I have been busy, my lovelies, but not so busy that I’ve forgotten about your desperate need to be educated and enlightened by the fruits of my hand.  This week has been enlightening for me, as well, as some things have been made clear to me that they aren’t exactly sharing in Silvermoon.  So much for that ‘promised land’ thing they’ve been spouting.  Prince whatshisname apparently messed up somewhere along the lines and isn’t quite the hero we’ve been led to believe.

Oh well, I’ll spare you my shattered rosey glasses view on Outland.  Instead, lets discuss our new friends, recently turned traitor again.  See, they turned traitor by joining the Scourge and getting all these nifty powers.  Then they turned traitor again by giving the Scourge the finger and coming back to us.  I’m sure they will be very trustworthy from here on…

Anyway.

I have a hypothesis.(That means “i c wut u did thar”)

I believe every rouge, loladin, fury warrior, and those enhancement shamans and mages that were always ticked off whenever a warlock beat them on the meters, all got together and rolled death knights.

In the spirit of continuing to differentiate between those people and the ones that have evolved beyond slime mold into a player that learns about the class and is willing to work in a group situation, we shall now be calling them DoucheKnights.

DoucheKnights can tank, no matter what tree the majority of their talent points are invested in. From experience, I can tell you that it doesn’t matter if the points are mostly in ice, blood, or undead - they can tank. Just as the druids’ feral tree is not ‘just’ cat, or ‘just’ bear, it depends on where the points are placed within that tree; so too are the trees of the new hero class.

The problem is how LONG they can tank.

DK’s are inherently squishier than warriors or bears or paladins. In their defense, they have a lot of abilities that heal themselves through damage. In a regular, non-spike fight, a DK could get by with no external healing. It is possible, as was called out many times in general chat across Hellfire Peninsula, that a group of 5 DKs could do fine through an instance. No healer needed, no healer wanted. Who wants someone in your party that can’t take hits when everyone else is focused on one target? Who wants to wait for mana after that last battle knocked everyone down to about 20% health? And no one wants to hear some blood elf priestess in the back going “Will you f-ers decide which one of you is going to f-ing tank?!”

“lawl were all tanks”

I don’t know much about the names of DK titles. Most of the DKs I worked with were not the communicating type. There was a lot of whining about needing a better weapon, but otherwise the conversations revolved around arguments about which tree was ‘good for tanking’ (see above). Otherwise, they were telling me not to worry about it when I told them to wait for mana. I imagine this allegory to my situation.

“Excuse me, sir, but your horse just stepped on my head.”
“Oh don’t worry about it, he is fine!”

Whatever the names of the spells, I could easily tell which groups held one or more DoucheKnights. They were the ones making liberal use of what I came to call “Yank and Spank”. This is some bizarre purple beam which shoots out, grabs the monster by the face, and yanks them through the air towards the knight for spankies. This is a wonderful spell to force a caster into melee range. This is a terrible spell when used by the knight who just woke up from a coma, standing beside me, and yanks a monster away from the group being beaten by the tank far ahead of us. Suddenly I have two tanks. Now another one does the same trick, and I have three tanks.

There are now three knights, spread out from each other, fighting one or two monsters. When called on it?

“I was helping CC that mob. I saw DK#1 taking damage. Geeze, it’s fine.”

Fine indeed. Rofl, good sir, rofl.

Another fine ability is the “I’m bored, lets make some friends” ability. It comes in the shape of a gargoyle. Every time this ability is used, some friendly gargoyle comes out of nowhere and proceeds to hover above us and shoot things. It is fairly epic, and I’m sure it is very fun for the knight who wields such power. Inevitably, however, things die. The gargoyle, lonely and looking for something else to play with, lazily wafts away on the breeze.

I have watched this thing go through walls, ceilings, and all-girl school dorms overseen by massive women with more testosterone than Grom Hellscream. These are things that would be impenetrable by mere mortals. Not only do these gargoyles easily slip through these barriers, but they find friends, then tell them where to find me and my party.

And then there is death. Always, death. In the form of nearly every monster in the dungeon, piled up on top of each other, and charging around the corner as though Jaina Proudmoore had just announced her debut strip tease right behind us. It is an ugly sight. I have seen it in my sleep…

Anyway.

DoucheKnights - all the people that cried when they weren’t top of the damage meter, and were tired of having to constantly wait for a tank, and were irritated by a pushy healer, now have all the tools available that allow them to completely ignore any of the things previously holding them back. If the tank is taking too long, bam, now DoucheKnight gets to tank! Healer is up to 30% mana, that should be enough, BAM, DoucheKnight is tanking. Oh no, you’re number 2 in the dps meter! BAM, bring in more mobs so your AOE racks up the points!

And then when BAM everyone is dead, all four DoucheKnights have to go do something else while the priestess runs her ghostly tush off to get back to the dungeon.

“rez plz”

/stab

Yes, well. At any rate. DeathKnights! Woo. At least some of you backstabbing, weak hearted, scourge-loving miscreants are useful for something. I’ve reached level 66 in the past week by being the one NON scourge-lover in the party. Questing is useless, because nothing out there survives long enough for me to get credit for the kill, because eight doucheknights just jumped on it. So all the dungeons got to see my pretty face, twisted in rage and impotent hate at the back of my party members. At least the guards in Orgrimmar have apples to throw. I should have joined the beer of the month club, just so I’d have a bottle every once in a while…

Alright alright, not all DeathKnights are DoucheKnights. Some made healing a joy, and it was a cinch even through places I’d never visited before. I’d get agro, and before I had a chance to fade, the thing would get yank-an-spanked. I still had to fade a lot, simply because of the nature of how squishy they are, and the amount of big heals I kept having to throw. Prayer of Healing always gets a workout when everyone else is a DK.

So. Quick recap.

Things I learned this week:

There are way too many doucheknights.
Healing in dungeons is fun again.
All three DK trees can be used for tanking.
DKs are squishy tanks.
I hate proximity bombs and the people that run over them after a fight.
Leveling up tailoring really really sucks when you’re starting from scratch.
Leveling up herbalism is very relaxing, which is a nice counter.
There are way too many doucheknights.

Your Questions!

Khol asks: I bring you an offering of burnt grain!
– I accept.

Weta wonders: Why do people still want 20 slot bags?
– Because they, and the larger ones, are still blasted expensive, and will be for months.  Big bags hold MORE STUFF and MORE STUFF is always better than less.

Tomo ponders the worth of the discipline tree.
– I have the stamina and mana to survive in a pug, even when things are nuts.  My favorite part is the completely worthless spell at the very end.  Didn’t a spell by this name use to do something useful?  Like stun or interrupt a target?  What the crap is this weak channeled orc poo spell doing in my discipline tree?

Axethrower is still curious about BRD.
– About 3 hours.  It’s a hellacious dungeon that, according to legend, was once going to have wings like the Monastery.  Then the dwarves got lazy and it’s one big, long, slogfest of dwarf killing.  Don’t wipe.

Phaedor asks: Why are some people so poor?
– Some people are poor and fat, and walking is good for them.  The rest of us require speed to go with our svelte appearance, and hot girls on fast rides are better than scrubs walking from The Great Lift to Gadgetzan.  If you feel bad, start a fund for ugly girls who walk too much.  Or something.  Sheesh, what kinds of questions were these?!

Using my newfound power to communicate with the lesser faction, I have decided to expand my knowledge of this tanking class.  They soak up all that mana I so carefully hoard, only to squander it by having their face mashed in over and over.  Still, better them than me.  So, for your benefit, I managed to scour Azeroth for rumors of the mysterious Aensu.  It wasn’t easy.  This tall, purple creature has not been seen for quite some time.  As a warrior tank, that didn’t come as much of a surprise.  Count on me, though, to act as your tourguide through the wilderness of gnomes, humans, dorfs and spacegoatstalbuks to find this mysterious Kaldorei.

Who currently looks suspiciously like a spacego- draenei.  And a paladin.  But still pure tank.

Hannelore: Word has it that Aensu, warrior tank extraordinaire, has been in hiding for quite some time, now. Criminal background coming to haunt you? An unspeakable bounty on your head? Or a scorned lover just waiting for you to show your face? Or maybe you just got caught up in watching old episodes of Lost? Why hasn’t the world seen you, lately?

Aensu: Not hiding, just adapting to the needs of my comrades. Sure, it’s entirely possible to tank as a warrior with no CC, no salvation, and no mercy from the ravenous dps, but it’s far more efficient to do it as a paladin. You don’t earn Amani War Bears and 100+ badges a week for your raid by tiptoeing through your dungeons with a mage holding each hand.

H: So you’re still out there, just in a different costume. What are your fondest memories of tanking? Favorite dungeon or battleground?

A: Definitely 3-manning old world content with Vonya and Kwane, back when it was “hard” and our “more experienced” guildmates were wiping on the same content with a full group and raid gear. I have a soft spot for Blackrock Depths and all its fiery, dwarfy goodness.

H: That place is becoming famous, here, lately. Tell me, why did you take up tanking, when so many warriors avoid it like the plague and would rather rock the damage charts?

A: Bad pug experiences as both a healer and dps. I knew I could do better.

H: Well, do you ever feel pangs of guilt for not being born a gnome?

A: No, but I do sometimes feel pangs of regret for being born a night elf.

H: HAH! Of course. You have my sympathy, there. Speaking of which, what did it feel like to be constantly surrounded by ‘the prettiest races’ on Azeroth? At least until my people decided to join the fight again and take up opposition to your Alliance.

A: Not terribly dissimilar to being surrounded by the ugliest races on Azeroth. I’ll take being surrounded by stupid and pretty over being surrounded by stupid and ugly any day. Not to mention, have you ever smelled a group of Tauren, Orcs and Forsaken after a sweaty dungeon romp?

H: Ugh, yes. Moving on…Is there any power or ability you wish you had as a warrior tank? You can make something up, or borrow from someone else’s class or race.

A: The power to use my blacksmithing skills to repair my own equipment. I can forge exotic metals and the primal forces of nature itself into Stormherald, Crusher of Dreams and Provoker of Infinite Whining, but I have to pay some guy to put the edge back on VanCleef’s dinky sword? Come on!

H: What was the worst part about being a warrior tank?

A: Watching my performance plateau and even decline in some areas as my gear improved. You know you’ve arrived at Badscaling, USA when you have to start taking your pants off just to do your job. The worst part was I didn’t even get any tips!

H: Well, there’s a lot of speculation flying around about upcoming changes - anything you’re looking forward to, or dreading? I’d especially like to hear about your dread.

A: I’m very much looking forward to it, in fact. They’re attempting to do exactly what I wanted them to do: create parity among the tanking classes. I’m sure there’s plenty gnashing of teeth and rending of clothing among some old school warriors about hybrids taking their jobs. Personally, I’m not heavily invested in any particular class, just tanking in general. I’ll be a shield spec shaman tank if that’s what it takes to get the job done. Those who got their positions by virtue of being a protection spec warrior rather than actually being any good at tanking or knowing anything about it deserve their downfall.

H: Do you have dreams of being a tauren?

A: I once dreamed about a talking hamburger, does that count?

H: Uh. Yes.

I have a few rules when I join up with a pug.  Sometimes I announce these rules at the outset, just to let them know what to expect from me.  After the third member confesses that they are just learning how to do what it is they do, for whatever reason, I make it known that after dying three times, I will evacuate.

 

Some may find that too harsh.  Others may wonder why I would let the pain last that long.

 

Either way, it’s good to have rules.  It helps you get over a rocky start that may otherwise have you fleeing at the first “lol”, and it keeps you from swearing off ever healing a shaman ever again due to that four hour Maraudon run (Landslide can go throw himself off a cliff next time, plx.)

 

I decided to see if anyone else had this mindset, going into a pug, so I asked around a bit.  I found a bear in Nighthaven, that druid hotspot of dreary purple and green, while I was escaping the terrors of the Timbermaw.  They never did forgive me for my first attempt to get through that tunnel of theirs.  (I have to be friendly with you to get through your tunnel?  You attacked me first, you thong-wearing savages!  Bear whale-tail earns you all the face-melting in the world.)

 

This bear-druid was apparently locked in some sort of Emerald Ennui, so I chose him as a prime target for the interview.  After all, I can spot pug-distress from a mile away. 

 

Hanners: So, tell me about your experience with pick up groups.

 

Bear: I haven’t done a lot.  Always wanted to tank, though, so I’ve done a couple leading people through dungeons on my way up.

 

Hanners: You would not consider yourself a serial pugger?

 

Bear: Um, no.  Haven’t had time to do dungeons, really.  I’ve been leveling up as fast as I can.  I hope to grow up to be a tree.

 

Hanners: Admirable (stupid druids). 

 

Bear: What?

 

Hanners: Nothing.  What have you learned from your limited experiences?

 

Bear: Tanking is fun!  I set the pace, I protect the healer, and if I’m doing my stuff right, then the dps can be as retarded as they want and can’t screw it up.

 

Hanners: I want your children.

 

Bear: Wait, what?

 

Hanners: Nothing, that’s very commendable.  Where did you learn about being a good tank?

 

Bear:  Reading websites, mostly.  This is my first time trying it, myself, but I’ve watched a lot of other people do it.  Some do it right, and I want to be like that, and some do it wrong, and it makes me cry.

 

Hanners: I’m writing an article about rules people have for their pug.  Do you have any rules?

 

Bear: Well I try to avoid stupid people…

 

Hanners: And how is that working for you?

 

Bear: I…don’t do a lot of pugs.

 

Hanners: Touché.  Any other stipulations you may place on a group?

 

Bear: I don’t like hoppy-rogues.

 

Hanners: Rouges.

 

Bear: What?

 

Hanners: Nothing.  No hopping, check.  What about your healers?

 

Bear: Oh, I hate grouping with healers that are ‘just learning’.  It almost always means that they get lazy when the first part of the dungeon is easy, so they’ll start throwing in a wand attack, or a dot or two, and then by the middle of the thing, they are barely using heal spells at all.

 

Hanners: I can imagine how it winds up at the end…

 

Bear: Yeah.  They start wondering why things are suddenly harder, how the rogue kept dying, and why I’m going a lot slower and healing myself between pulls.  Or they get agro and get upset about the dirtnap.

 

Hanners: We do tend to get cranky about those.

 

Bear: Well yeah, anybody does, but c’mon.  Two big heals right after you’ve mind-blasted a monster I’m not hitting?  Totally deserved it.

 

Hanners: Totally.  So tell me about a recent experience.  You look a bit upset.

 

Bear: I don’t know…

 

Hanners: You can tell us.

 

Bear: Wait, what?

 

Hanners: Me, you can tell me.  Was it pretty bad?

 

Bear: Well yeah.  We never even made it to the dungeon.  See, I was looking to get into an instance I hadn’t tried before.  So I was offering to tank, or damage, or heal – basically whatever any group needed.  It took a lot longer than I expected to find anyone, so I started asking locally.  When someone suddenly invited me to join them, I was obviously excited about it.  But then I look at my teammates, and they’re both flagged for pvp.

 

Hanners: Well, a lot of places have pvp objectives for the zone, these days.  Were they in a battleground?

 

Bear: No no, you’re right.  It just struck me as a bad sign.  And the leader of the group was a hunter.

 

Hanners: Eww…

 

Bear: And she wasn’t just flagged, but she had res sickness.

 

Hanners: Eww!

 

Bear: And she asked me what my spec was.

 

Hanners: Wait, weren’t you –

 

Bear: Yeah, I was offering to tank.  I don’t know of any tree-tanks, but maybe she thought I was going to boomkin it.  Anyway, I told her I was feral, and reminded her I could tank.  The shaman in the group said he was melee, but could off-heal.  The hunter laughed out loud and said she would be damage.

 

Hanners: As opposed to…?

 

Bear: No no, I asked that same thing.  She laughed again.

 

Hanners: Wait wait, did it sound like “HARR HARR.”

 

Bear: What?

 

Hanners: Nothing.  Carry on.

 

Bear: So that was a little scary, but I had quests to do, so I just kept plugging along.  Then I noticed we weren’t looking for a group, so I asked a few questions.  Are we still looking for more?  Are we going to the right dungeon?  Why aren’t we looking for a group?  Turns out, the hunter had never looked for a group before, and thought she was doing it right.  Laughed at me a few more times and joked on me for not noticing that she was doing it.  The shaman took leadership for a second, slipped us into the right channel, and handed leadership back to her.  She laughed again.

 

Hanners: I shall call her Giggles.

 

Bear: Wait, what?

 

Hanners: Nothing.  You say you never made it to the dungeon.  Why not?

 

Bear: Well, the next thing I hear, is that she can’t get into the dungeon because the door is locked.

 

Hanners: Where were you trying to go?

 

Bear: Hellfire Citadel Ramparts.

 

Hanners: Wait – there’s no door there, is there?

 

Bear: No.  She was trying to get into the Shattered Halls part.

 

Hanners: Without a full group?

 

Bear: Yeah.  I was in the marsh, and the shaman was in Honor Hold.

 

Hanners: Why was she –

 

Bear: *makes the ursine equivalent of a shrug*

 

Hanners: So that’s when you left?

 

Bear: Well, actually, I kinda was a smartass about it.  I wished them both well, and suggested they ask other people if they had any questions or confusions and wanted to learn how to play.

 

Hanners: Uh oh.

 

Bear: The hunter sent me a note asking what that was all about, but I didn’t have the heart to break it down for her.  I mean, I know how hunters are.  You don’t have to deal with other people your whole life – just you and nature and some freakish animal following you around.  Then, suddenly, you want to make friends and you have no idea what to do.  That’s fine, us druids can totally sympathize.  But then the shaman sent a note and I felt I owed an explanation.  Told him that I could get gear and experience faster off on my own doing quests, instead of doing the ghost-run of shame with someone who wasn’t used to other people being involved.

 

Hanners: Did he turn into Mr Champion?

 

Bear: Oh you bet he did.  Started telling me about how it’d be easy to show her how to teach her real quick, and that I shouldn’t think I was so better than other people.  I tried to explain, but he was already fired up.  Tried telling me to go back where I came from, and that she may have to learn some technicalities, but I had to learn ‘people skills’.  At that point, I remembered my guild tag and felt guilty for stirring up this guy’s ant pile, so I just told him the conversation was over.  He agreed…

 

Hanners: There’s more to it than that, isn’t there?

 

Bear: But he started in on me again a minute later, telling me that he’d passed on my comments to her, and that they both agreed I should just stay in my tree and try my hand at something other than adventuring.  Words like “elitist retard” were thrown at me, and that’s when my feelings were hurt and I told him he was being insulting.  I …I admit, I ignored him after that.

 

Hanners: I see that really bothered you.  I sense you felt you did the right thing, though?

 

Bear: Yeah.  I mean, can you imagine me leading some bouncy night elf hunter like that through Ramparts?

 

Hanners: Wait, what?

 

Bear: Oh well.  Thanks for talking to me about this.  You’re real nice for a blood elf.  Normally I’d shred you guys on sight, but I’ll think twice about it after this.

 

Hanners: …what?

Reincarnation.  We’ve all met the spirit healer and decided against letting ourselves get sucked into the big swirley vortex in the sky.  At least I assume we haven’t.  I don’t like the idea of someone who has passed on still reading this.  Kind of creepy.  Stoppit. 
 
But I’m talking about reincarnation.  Past lives.  Where you existed as someone else.  Creepy, maybe, but it’s become such a common thing that you might be able to recognize a previous incarnation.  This is different from people wearing disguises and hopping around causing mischief or getting laid by attention starved mages.  This is…well let me tell you about some fun I had the other day.
 
We were running through a dungeon, my troupe and I.  Things were dying.  Mostly it was the monsters, but sometimes it was us.  The mage was slinging frostbolts, fwoosh fwoosh, and the warlock was slinging shadowbolts, doom doom, heals were flying and the tank was tanking.  All was happyface except for one little thing.
 
The hunter.
 
No no, this isn’t going to turn into more hunter hate.  You’ll see where I’m going with this.  The guy just happened to LOOK like a hunter.  But he was not.  I could tell.  The pet, a bear, sat beside the hunter more often than I did.  The hunter was usually up at the side of the monster.  Sometimes he was swinging his polearm, sometimes not.  (Hey, what makes the huge white glow, anyway?  I never bothered to check him, but now I’m curious.)  I finally asked him what he was doing.
 
“lol trying a spell”
 
Now, granted, I’m a stickler for this.  You may have noticed I’m a stickler for a lot of things.  I’m something of a stickler.  You could say that I stickle things at will.  But that would be silly.
 
Anyway!  Nevermind that.  All of it.  The point is, if you go lawl, it means I am picturing you laughing.  Probably doing a nice, healthy guffaw.  SO!  If you turn to me in the middle of a fight and go “HAW HAW HAW, I’m trying a spell!!!” I will be understandably nonplussed.  Confused.  Concerned for my safety and your sanity.
 
“What spell are you trying, chucklehead?”
“ROFL scare beast”
 
Wait wait.  There’s one monster up there.  The tank is tanking it.  The mage is maging it.  The warlock is locking it.  I’m healing everybody a little.  And you’re going to go scare the monster into the next crowd of monsters while your fluffy bear sits beside you and licks its unmentionables?  Yikes!
 
“Please don’t do that…”
“rofl”  “okay”
 
Suddenly our tank pipes up! 
 
“And turn growl off.”
 
It sort of surprised me because I didn’t think the pet had been doing anything.  And then I saw the pet was taking a lot of damage so I had to healinate it!  Fwoosh!  I’m just going to start translating what this fellow was saying into how my addled brain was hearing it.
 
“HAW HAW!! …he’s not growling.”
“Then how did… wait, did you use intimidate?”
“HEE HEE HEE!!  Yah.”
“Well stop that.”
“HARR HARR kay.”
 
This was all feeling very familiar to me.  Horrific déjà vu.  I know a lot of people that act like this, but they’re usually not hunters.  Hunters can be slapped upside the face with the retardo-fish, but this is a special brand of drain bammage we’re seeing here.  But the final clue didn’t hit me until the guy had to find something else to do with his twitch-energy if he couldn’t inhibit the tank in some way.  (Because he was not shooting.  Well, he’d fire off an arcane shot.  Then he’d sit there a second.  Then he’d fire a different special shot.  No lazy autoshot for this fellow!  Let’s just say, my Pain was doing more damage than he was.)
 
The final hint to this miscreant’s past finally became evident when…he began jumping.
 
Hopping.
 
Bouncing.
 
Sproing sproing sproing sproing sproing sproing sproing (shoot) sproing sproing sproing.
 
“Ohemgee, you’re a rogue.”
“HAR HAR HA-wut?”
“A rogue.  You used to be a rogue.”
“Yeah, how did you know?”
“…”
“HAW HAW HAW HA- wait are you in my guild?”
 
I think the next time we had a mass of monsters attacking us, the tank let him play with his own.  Even did us the favor of putting a glowing triangle over the hunter/rogue’s head so we could watch him when he tried to run around down the ramps as we dealt with the other critters.  Much luff for bear tanks with style.
 
What?
 
What’s that?
 
What do you mean “It’s not Monday”?

It’s a weird situation, seeing Fluffy out in front, chomping away at three orcs while a rogue stands behind them doing their stabbity thing, and everyone else is back here with you, pewpewing like crazy. Weird.

But it works.

And things tell me that we might be seeing a bit more of it.

The bad part about this is that your friendly, neighborhood huntard is going to have even more of the spotlight when he screws it up.

The good part is that the good hunters have one more chance to shine in that spotlight. And that is so happyface that my cheeks hurt after seeing it happen.

This magic doesn’t happen on its own, though. You still have to have people paying attention to how angry they’re making the monsters, and the hunter has to make sure that Spot is making ALL the monsters angry at Spot - not just that one orc she first attacked. Yes, Spot is a she, get over it.

It’s the kind of teamwork that should be happening no matter who or what is up there playing meatshield, really. The trouble comes from the fact that warriors and blood knights are so good at it. Yeah, I said it. They’re so good, people get lazy about what they’re supposed to be up to back in the back. Heals are going to sleep, fireballs are all over the place, the hunter is sublimating Tobasco sauce and the rogue is going “lol dodge tank!” just before dying to a critical strike called AXE TO DA FACE.

I hate axe to da face. I usually eat one when the melee hunter feigns death after pulling aggro and I have to slap a big heal through the back of his head. Grr!

Right, right, magic.

So there’s a right way to treat your meatshield, and it’s even more critical when your tank doesn’t have all the nice pretty tricks that a warrior or blood knight or even a bear druid might have (yes, sorry, I forgot about the druids a minute ago, I HAVE OTHER THINGS TO WORRY ABOUT).

The dungeon crawl will go a lot slower, because it’s more critical that Fuzzy gets all grrface on everything. It’s more critical that targets get hit by focus fire. It’s more critical that AOE is kept to a minimum. It’s more critical that Boots up there is taking the most damage and everything else is just monsters doing their aoe thing - the minimal stuff that can be dealt with via a quick Renew or Rejuvinate or whateveritis Blood Knights do.

Also, unlike most situations, the hunter shouldn’t be healing Spike. Yeah, I said it. The hunter should not be using ‘mend pet’ at all.

Here’s how that works. Tigger is up there doing his thing, trying to keep all the baddies angry, and doing some damage too. Most of the damage, though, is probably coming from the paindealers in your group, including the hunter who’s keeping an eye on his friend. He’s going to be staying right underneath that level of making the baddies come chase off after the fellow shooting them in the face. If he were to toss in some heals at the same time, that’d just make them angrier. You, however, should have ways of reducing the angry you’re causing, and the priests out there have our handydandy fade thing. The hunter will be playing dead whenever it’s available, but most of his attention should be spent on killing those things as quickly as Sparky will allow it to happen.

See, the longer the baddies are alive, the more mana you’re using to keep Rover alive. The longer you’re throwing sparklies, the angrier the baddies are getting, too. Fast battles will be your goal, kiddos.

So through focus fire, spreading around the aggrivation through all the baddies, and minimal targets to heal, Scruffy can definitely tank with his face right up there with the regulars.

ps: Seeing a cheerleader-slash-druid night elf wench in a ‘tanking teddy’ would be worth almost any price.

pps: Until she went bear form.

It’s Wednesday already? Where has the time gone?

Hope everyone had a nice 4th of July weekend, I spent most of my time hanging out with some friends and grinding honor since it was AV weekend. My rogue’s almost completely done with the honor grind, and it makes me really happy…even if I have plans to do it all over again on my Paladin! I loves me some PvP and I need a Ret set for running around by myself and since the PvP items are better then a lot of PvE items for a Ret Paladin (or so my research tells me) it seems like a solid plan.

Speaking of the Paladin, here’s my pre-heroic wish list.

To be clearer, this is the gear I want to have before I even think about stepping foot into a heroic. Note this is my plan, probably not everyone’s. I’m a firm believer in Effective Health, rather stacking pure avoidance, so you’ll see more choices for pure stam rather then gearing up to be uncrushable. Why? Because in Heroics you can’t be crushed and I have no plans of raid tanking yet. So on to the list!

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I hate to admit it but I’ve been cheating on my Rogue… Yep. Cheating.

I know, I know, “but Zasp aren’t Rogues your favorite?”.

Well If this keeps up it’s going to be hard to make that claim. Maybe I’m spoiled by playing with the rest of the Ego team, but I’d like to hope there’s other players out there that would just make our jaws drop in awe at how awesome they are. A couple have come close, but unless I haven’t been part of the conversation, no one’s made us go “ooooh!”.

I’m sure very few tanks have ever been yelled at (by the healer no less!) for not pulling enough mobs in an instance. I know I never did when I played a healer, it meant I got to slack off a bit. Take it easy. Well with Ego at the healing helm, if she’s not healing she’s yelling “More mobs!”.

My little Prot Paladin, Nyisa, is starting to grow on me more and more. And I’m starting to look forward to playing the Paladin more than the Rogue. Not a good sign. It usually means the old main goes completely back burner, save to make money to support the new main. I haven’t reached that point yet but to be completely honest its damn near close.

The scary part? She is only level 55.

That’s 15 levels of things I’ve still yet to experience as a tank. I look forward to the day where I’m level 70 and we are seeing just how quick we can do an instance, with as much chain pulling as Ego can handle. While I would love to get into the position where I could someday raid on Nyisa, I sadly do not see that happening. Starting over this late in the game isn’t going to be an easy task, when it comes to finding a home that happens to need a tank. Or even create a home where people could come to raid, as I am far too selective in who I’d want to run with.

Don’t get me wrong, I do loves me some 5 mans and I look forward to seeing them from the final perspective the game has to offer.

Every time I throw my Avenger’s Shield, I giggle. Every time it misses and looks like its flying clear across the room, I panic just a little, because I fear the next four pulls are coming instead of the two or three I wanted.

My eyes still need training in noticing when someone has pulled aggro in melee range. With a caster it’s a bit more noticeable of course, as the mob will peel off and what not.

As it stands, I’m pretty much learning this game all over again. Being at the 3 years and 6 months mark, its breathing new life into it. While maybe I didn’t need it. It’s got me re-hooked and that I enjoy logging in after all this time is a rather impressive fact, I’d like to think.

So as my Paladin starts to hit outland instances expect to see some posts of me “oohing and awing” of how much fun I’m having. Maybe even some theorycrafting, maybe it be waxing over how to generate even more threat for my DPS. Because I know how much it sucks to be limited by the tank when you shouldn’t be.

P.S - Blizzard please fix the low level plate on female toons, I don’t look like I should be tanking anything in my current gear. See the example screenshot below:

It’s time for more random tips from your friendly neighborhood tank who is stalling for time while he tries to write a real article! I bet you’re excited, I know I am.

Take the Lead

If you PUG 5-mans, every now and then you’ll find yourself in a group with a non-tank that wants to do the marking, pulling, leading, and maybe even “off tanking”. There are any number of reasons why they act like this, none of them good or reasonable.

In any case, unless the tank is entirely unfamiliar with the instance, or just doesn’t know how to assign CC and pull properly (in which case they’re not a very good tank anyway), there’s no logical reason for anyone other than the tank to be leading. Any decent player should know this, which is why mister I’m-a-DPS-class-but-want-to-be-leader will typically fail in every role they’ve assigned themselves in the first 20 minutes.

So what to do about this person? The easiest solution is to just not PUG, or form your own group. But if you’re really determined to make it happen, you’re going to have to work with this person, especially if they’re getting the group wiped right out of the gate.

Sometimes simply asking “Hey, mind letting me do the pulling?” will do the trick. Sometimes you may have to browbeat the person into submission. Calmly whispering suggestions so that they can maintain the illusion of leadership while doing exactly what you tell them to is seldom a bad idea.

The absolute worst thing you can do though, is nothing, while hoping they figure out what the hell they’re doing before your gear turns red. Tanking and timidity don’t go well together. If you wont do it to save yourself, then do it to save the rest of the group, that’s what we’re there for.

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While reading this blog, one may often come across the phrase “Main Assist”. You may have even read the lovely articles written on this subject by our very own Vonya. We know what a main assist does: he or she picks the target for the other dps and the tank to focus their aggressions on, making everyone’s job easier, even the healers’ (two wounded mobs do more damage than one healthy mob). But is that really all there is to it?

No. The mantle of MA isn’t one that can be assigned arbitrarily. Not only must you consider class factors (do the mechanics of this person’s class require them to switch targets often to apply CC or other effects), but you must also consider the ability of the player. The tank and other dps rely on the MA to provide them with a primary target in a timely, intelligent fashion. The job of being MA can be just as difficult and nerve wracking (and fun) as tanking or healing. Just like a bad tank or bad healer can ruin an otherwise good group, a bad MA can turn hard pulls into wipes. A good MA plays a large part in pulling a group through difficult battles and large pulls, and in concert with a good tank, creates order from chaos, allowing the team to do things that the average player would consider improbable or even impossible without being ridiculously overgeared. Raid icons, while handy, are no replacement for a skilled MA that can adapt to changing situations.

Not all mobs are created equal. Some are far more dangerous than others, designed specifically to ruin your day, and most of them have some kind of trick up their sleeve. One key component of what makes a good MA is the ability to recognize high threats and prioritize targets so that the most dangerous enemies - which can vary wildly depending on the composition and overall skill of your group compared to the composition of the pull - are taken down early, before they can cause a wipe. Sometimes it’s as simple as “kill the casters first”, but more often it’s not.

In our travels together, we’ve found that not only is the concept of the MA completely alien to many players, but so are the dynamics of prioritizing targets beyond the most rudimentary of guidelines. Further, many of those that do understand the concepts fail to deliver once the pull is engaged - they talk a big game, but fall to pieces when the pressure is on. This is who the MA system is designed for. One skilled player takes on the workload of the entire dps team so that the rest can focus entirely on dealing damage, and all they have to worry about is assisting properly and watching their threat.

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Like a fish flailing in the sand, I unabashedly bare my vulnerability to you in the interests of self preservation with part 2 of this article. Don’t worry, that mixed emotion of pity and amusement with a slight tinge of horror that you’re feeling is perfectly normal.

Last time, I railed about Blizzard creating a tank shortage with their misguided attempts to make every tank class feel needed and special, while at the same time making every tank class feel useless and impotent on a regular basis, as well as making the job of tank recruitment and gearing 3 times harder than it needs to be. I also promised to offer solutions that would equalize the tanking classes, without turning them into the exact same class with differently colored icons, as well as offering them some non-tanking ability without overpowering the other two specs or ousting other classes entirely. So lets do that then.

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